If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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