I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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