I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
