Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
