the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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