I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
