I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
