I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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