Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
