I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
