I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize