woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
