Pants 0. Shit 1.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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