I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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