You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize