Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found your dick twin last night
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
