Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
