he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
