God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
