dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
