she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
