Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize