She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Farmville is her only friend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
