I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
