life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
