How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
