just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So squirting runs in the family.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
