If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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