So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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