If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
