I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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