You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
