how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
