Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How does one acquire holy water?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
