This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
