My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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