My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize