Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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