Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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