I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
