Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
