Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just want nice things and good sex
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
