I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize