as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
