my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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