we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
