last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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