I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
