Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize