Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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