Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
