If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
