why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
