youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
